The Loser had seemingly bottomed out, a recurring theme unfortunately.
After making last week’s picks, No.1 son and CAC (Chief Antagonist and Critic) Harry asked, “Are you making picks to make other people feel good about themselves or do you really think these teams will cover?!”
We don’t believe in violence in The Loser household and No.1 son usually identifies the nearest exit before asking such inflammatory questions. But the answer was, “Damn Straight I Believe in My Picks!”
The sound of laughter filled the room as The Loser saw No.1 son’s rear end make an exit. He hasn’t been spotted since, probably because The Loser has been wearing a T-Shirt with the slogan, “Who’s Your Daddy Now?”
12-4 last week. That’s 12 wins and four losses. That’s dinner at Peter Luger instead of Five Guys, although in fairness, Five Guys is a heckuva burger and love the sacks of potatoes piled up around the restaurant like sandbags. Makes The Loser think of his first divorce when sandbags were stacked waist high in the bedroom. But we digress.
In addition to going 12-4 – that’s 12 wins and just four losses, we remind you – The Loser went 3-0, on Best Bets at BetBasics.com. BetBasics. Best Bets. See a theme here?
Since The Loser doesn’t expect to reach this level of success again season – or any other – he feels it’s time to release his list of suggested readings that helped him to this 12-win miracle.
COLTS +5.5 over Chiefs – Not sure what Chiefs DT Chris Jones said to Matt Ryan that warranted an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty which kept alive the drive that led to the Colts winning touchdown, but The Loser is trying to get his hands on a copy of Maximum Security Prison Bedtime Stories.
BEARS +2.5 over Texans – Roquan Smith had 16 tackles, two tackles for loss and made the interception that set up the Bears the winning drive. Smith and Yankee star Aaron Judge (61!) are set to release their book, “How to Stick It to the Organization That Tries to Keep You on the Cheap.”
DOLPHINS +5.5 over Bills – “The Art of Clock Management,” by Isaiah McKenzie.
LIONS +6.5 over Vikings – “If You Go For it Six Times on Fourth Down, Don’t Crap Out at Seven.” An essay on courage under fire more than wagering.
Bengals -6 over JETS – “All Brake, No Gas.” Please consult your owner’s manual to make sure this is appropriate for your vehicle.
TITANS +2 over Ravens – “Why I Love Bill Belichick, the ESPN for Fired Coaches.” Forward by Nick Saban. A collection of essays including those by Joe Judge and Matt Patricia. Epilogue by Steve Belichick and Brian Belichick.
EAGLES -6.5 over Commanders – “How to Win Over a Locker Room in 3 East Steps; Then Lose it in One Easier Step.” Carson Wentz, while lounging in chair on his North Dakota ranch, strumming a guitar, laments the frustrations of not being understood. Publisher Random Quarterback House owns the rights to the sequel, Hunting for a New Team, literally shot on the same ranch.
Packers Pick ‘Em over BUCS – “I Can’t Find Nobody, That I Can Depend On.” Forward by Gisele Bundchen. Tom Brady opens up about playing quarterback without a star receiver. Portions of this book rewritten from his time with the Patriots. Epilogue by Bill Belichick, “Life Without a Star Quarterback.”
Falcons +1 over SEAHAWKS – “I Did It My Way,” by Pete Carroll, who convinced himself and management that he could win in the NFL without a star quarterback. Commentary by Russell Wilson (under an alias).
BRONCOS +1 over 49ers – “The Key to Quarterbacking Is Footwork,” by Jimmy Garoppolo who stepped out of the back of the endzone for a safety, helping the Broncos to an 11-10 win. Editor’s note: Garoppolo and McKenzie represented by the same publisher.
Cowboys +1 over GIANTS – “Trust me, we have a plan,” by Dave Gettleman. So did NASA when they launched Apollo 13. Forward by Matt Millen. A self-serving memoir from the G.M. who should be forced to pay Daniel Jones’ post-career medical bills.
TONIGHT’S PICK:
BENGALS -4 over Dolphins – Sources tell The Loser that the Bengals have hired Pinkerton security agents to protect Joe Burrow. Seriously now. The striped cats have one of the better young quarterbacks and haven’t protected him since he left the womb. Big night for Joe Mixon.
We built a pretty little $25 parlay at BetMGM: Mixon +49.5 yards rushing, +25.5 yards receiving and the Bengals Moneyline. The return is $102.50 meaning The Loser would net $77.50.
BASIC TIPS: The over/under means you’re betting a player will go over or under the established line, which in this case is 49.5 yards rushing and 25.5 yards receiving. We think Mixon will rush for more than 49.5 yards (over) and have more than 25.5 yards receiving (0ver) and the Bengals will win, regardless of the final score (Moneyline). A parlay is when you combine two or more bets in one. In this The Loser is betting on three outcomes in one bet. If all three occur, The Loser wins. Consider yourself a smarter wagerer.
Last week: 12-4. Best bets: 3-0.
Overall: 24-13-1. Best bets: 5-4.