By Lenny the Loser
This isn’t personal. It never is.
But Gonzaga’s Chet Holmgren is going to bomb in the NBA. The 7-foot, 190-pound not very powerful power forward is going to face plant, and, from 84 inches up, that’s going to hurt.
Holmgren is Shawn Bradley, light. You remember Bradley, the Stormin Mormon at BYU in 1993? He was 7-6, 275 pounds, a veritable Shaquille O’Neal compared to Holmgren. He played 14 uneventful seasons in the NBA, averaged 8.1 points and 6.3 rebounds, and went on to father six children named:
Charity, Chase, Cheyenne, Ciera, Chelsea and Chance. All C’s, which is apropos because, grading on the curve, Bradley gets a C- for his career.
Bradley was the No.2 pick in the 1993 NBA Draft. Chris Webber went No.1 to the Orlando Magic. Fifteen minutes later they traded Webber to the Golden State Warriors for three future No.1 draft choices and Penny Hardaway, who the Warriors took at No.3.
And thus began the start of Lenny the Loser. Honest.
“How’s that,” you ask.
The Loser made several wagers with former friends that Hardaway would bomb.
Looking back on it, there was no good reason to bet against Hardaway. He averaged 22.8 points, 8.5 rebounds, 6.4 assists and 2.4 steals in his junior season at Memphis. The best I could come up with was that I viewed the 6-foot-7, 215-pound Penny as a ‘tweener.”
He was a 33-percent shooter on 3’s so he wasn’t a shooting guard. He did average 6.4 assists, but he also averaged 3.4 turnovers, so he wasn’t a point guard. And how was a 6-7 swingman going to rebound in the NBA?
Wrong. Wrong. And Loser Wrong.
Hardaway was terrific his first three seasons, missing just five games. The injury bug made its first visit in his fourth season when Hardaway missed 23 games. He would only play one full season after that. But man, those first three-plus seasons, Hardaway was a pioneer, one of the first players who couldn’t strictly be labeled as a point guard, shooting guard or small forward. He was a baller, plain and simple.
Back in 1996, the average price for a six-pack was about $6. The Loser lost a truckload of beer – literally. Had to fill a U-Haul rental with cases of suds and drive to the Jersey Shore where we were roasting a pig for the 4th of July.
Lenny the Loser is a patriot!
Here we are in 2022. Holmgren, according to the majority of mocks for Thursday night’s NBA draft, is projected to go No.2 to the Thunder, just as Bradley went second in 1993. In fairness to Holmgren, the game has drastically changed since the Stormin Mormon didn’t do much stormin or scorin and thankfully, not much 3-ball shootin.
Bradley took a grand total of 39 3’s in his 832 regular season-game career. He made four. That’s 10.3 percent. That’s Shaq free throw territory. O.K., not that bad. Holmgren was 41-of-105 (39 percent) on 3’s, a terrific percentage for a guy seven-feet tall.
But in almost every big game I saw the Zags play, Bradley was nudged aside like a Cub Scout flag. Try as he might to stay vertical, he often extended those arms parallel to the floor, just enough to draw four or more fouls nine times.
Surely Holmgren’s personal trainers have put him on one of those 8,000 calories a day diets like the one Bradley Cooper went on to gain 40 pounds for his role in American Sniper. Nothing like that afternoon cheeseburger to get you on your way.
But sometimes it doesn’t always work. Kristaps Porzingis has spent his first seven seasons trying to add weight to his 7-foot-3 frame. KP is currently listed at 240 pounds, but his brother and agent, Janis, must have been stepping on the scale. Porzingis is a 35-percent 3-point shooter, but he’s about to join his fourth team because he’s as tough as a butterfly yet thinks he’s a monarch.
And both Bradley and Holmgren are international players. Bradley was born in West Germany; Holmgren in the country known as Minnesota.
We sincerely hope that every player taken in this draft goes on to sign a max deal, and have A+ careers. They welcome every child with a name that starts with the letter “A:” Apple. Anaconda. Avery. Avalanche. Archie. Atlas. Asphyxia.
OK, scratch that last moniker.
Certainly, Auburn’s Jabari Smith looks like a star in waiting. The Magic have the first pick and probably will draft him. Duke’s Paolo Banchero sure used the NCAA Tournament as an impressive audition. Purdue’s Jaden Ivey is blink quick. We just don’t think Holmgren will have such a career.
In fact, here’s our wager: If Holmgren makes the All-Rookie team, BetBasics.com will reward you with a $25 bonus, free. If he wins Rookie of the Year, I’ll have another Lenny the Loser column you will have a $25 bonus and five free boosts.
It’s that easy. And remember Chet, it’s not personal. It never is.