Cooper KuppCooper RushGiselle BundchenJoe BurrowKenny PickettKliff KingsburyTom Brady

Lenny the Loser Follows Giselle’s Lead and Burns Sage Before Picks

The Loser is open to anything. Anything.

Meditation? Tried it. Acupuncture. Tried it. Energy therapy? Tried it. Horoscope? Yep. Biorhythm? Yep

Yoga? Tried it, wasn’t pretty.

But thanks to my obsession with pro football and all that comes with it, The Loser believes he has found the magic touch: Burning sage.

Giselle Bundchen was reportedly seen having her car spiritually cleansed by enlisting the help of holistic woman who burned sage around the vehicle. This practice supposedly will rid the car of the negative energy known as Tom “Deflated Balls” Brady.

Bundchen and Brady reportedly have hired divorce attorneys and the supermodel apparently has decided that even more important than dividing assets, she needs to rid herself of all Brady spirits.

 As the Packers and Giants head to London, The Loser’s response to this sage burning is, “Brilliant!”

Therefore, before writing this week’s NFL picks column, The Loser burned sage over his computer. He chanted, “cover, cover, cover.” When the smoke cleared, The Loser enjoyed a clarity he’s rarely experienced.

+Packers -8 over Giants in London – Aaron Rodgers wanted to cross the pond earlier this week to give the QB and his Cheeseheads a chance to experience British culture. “shoot, go to a pub and have a Guinness or whatever the local brew is,” he said. That sounds like a confident QB, and he should be. All the sage burning in the world won’t help the Giants whose 3-1 record is the result of wins over the Titans, Panthers, and Bears. Memo to Rodgers: Try Smithwick’s.

BILLS -14 over Steelers – Sources told The Loser that Kenny QB Pickett, has ordered a bushel of sage to be delivered to Bills Mafia Headquarters, who we believe are burning something else. 🤫 Even with a decimated Bills secondary, a rookie QB on the road against an elite team is bad mojo. Memo to Pickett: Try the wings.

BROWNS +2.5 over Chargers – The Chargers spent the offseason trying to fix their defense, but obviously they didn’t burn any sage. Cleveland is one-third of the way through the suspension to Deshaun Watson and is .500 in a wide-open division.

JAGUARS -7 over Texans – The bloom is off QB Davis Mills who has thrown four picks in the last two games. Jags coach Doug Pederson had to have the entire Jaguars facility fumigated with sage to rid the Urban Meyer stench. It worked.

+VIKINGS -7.5 over Bears – Have you seen the Bears offense? Chicago’s entire offense needs sage burning. Or just a rubbish burning. Justin Fields will attempt more than 22 passes, the most he’s thrown in a game this season. Our friends at Caesars have set the over/under for Fields pass attempts at 24.5. We’re taking the over. The odds are-108, which means if Fields attempts 25 or more passes, the payoff is $38.52, netting us $18.52.

 

 

PATRIOTS +3 over Lions – Since getting engaged to S.I. super swimsuit model Christen Harper, Jared Goff has thrown 11 touchdowns passes and just three picks. No burned sage needed. But this week he gets burned by Belichick’s defense.

Seahawks +5 SAINTS – In a city of voodoo and spells, no sage needed. All Andy Dalton must do is not throw picks and the Saints defense will win this game. The Loser picked the Saints (1-3) to win the NFC South. We’re still marching.

JETS +3.5 over Dolphins– That wasn’t sage Dolphins owner Stephen Ross was burning. It was the records of his contacts with Tom Brady and Sean Payton.

+BUCCANEERS -10 over Falcons – Tom Brady was seen burning sage in the Bucs’ receivers’ room where Julio Jones (knee), Russell Gage (back) and Breshad Perriman (knee/hamstring) are all questionable. Falcons coach Arthur Smith seen burning sage in Atlanta’s QB room.

Titans -1.5 over COMMANDERS – Forget burning sage, Native Americans and all working women should burn down Dan Snyder’s office. Commanders Week 1 win looking more and more like an anomaly.

PANTHERS +6.5 over 49ers – Progressive Insurance burned sage in its advertising agency to ride them of the bad karma known as Baker “The Commercial Maker” Mayfield. Niners win but classic overlook game after Rams win.

CARDINALS +6.5 over Eagles – Eagles are for real, but Kliff Kingsbury must be burning something to have Zona 2-2.

Rams -5.5 over COWBOYS – Cooper Rush has burned all the sage he has. 🤠 Cooper Kupp is the Sagemaster.

RAVENS -3.5 over BengalsJoe Burrow reportedly has burned sage in the O-Line room. Hasn’t worked. We fear Joe Cool gets baked by Ravens who have eight sacks. Bengals have allowed 16. Memo to Burrow: Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

This week: 1-0

Last week: 8-7-1; Best bets: 2-1

Overall 34-30-2; Best bets: 7-5

 

 

 

 

author
Lenn Robbins
Sports Journalist
Hi, I'm Lenn Robbins, a long-time sportswriter who still holds the detention record at Bildersee Junior High School in Brooklyn, N.Y., where I was born and raised. I came out of the womb a Mets fan, was baptized a Knicks fans and through the power of TV, became a Cowboys fan, which explains why I'm in group therapy. The name of my fantasy football league team is Sexual Chocolate. Anyone who can explain the origin of said team name, please h
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