Not even the rash of unpredictable, erratic, and inaccurate kicking can keep The Loser from his appointed rounds.
We head into Monday night at 6-8 needing the BILLS (-10) over the Titans and the Vikings (+2) over the EAGLES to break even. The Bills Mafia has made The Loser a Made Man so feeling good there.
But the City of Brotherly Love hates The Loser with a passion because we’ve bestowed the honor of Loserist Fans in the NFL on the Philadelphia fitful.
We think we have a friend in Pennsylvania at Chamounix Stables, home to the nationally recognized Work to Ride program. They can’t be in favor of slugging police horses. Or any horse.
Seriously, what is going on with the epidemic of missed field goal attempts and extra point attempts in the NFL?
Cincy’s Evan McFadden had a PAT blocked in Week 1 and hooked a 29-yarder in OT. Pittsburgh’s Chris Boswell had a 55-yarder hit the upright for the win.
Jacksonville’s Riley Patterson also found the upright on a 37-yarder. Sure hope the NFLGPU (NFL Goal Post Union) workers are expecting all goal posts because they’re getting hit more than Cincy QB Joe Burrow.
Tennessee’s Randy Bullock missed a 47-yarder at the end of the Giants game, ensuring “Buffalo” Brian Daboll would claim a 21-20 triumph after going for two.
But the winner of the Rodrigo Blankenship Crooked Foot Trophy was, well, Rodrigo Blankenship.
He sailed two kickoffs out of bounds and missed a 42-yarder that left Indy settling for a 20-20 tie with the Houston Texans. Blankenship was cut the next day.
Browns rookie kicker Cade York was on the verge of holding out for a new contract after converting a 58-yarder to beat the Carolina Panthers, 26-24, in Week 1.
Cleveland fans held up witty signs such as, “I Love Cade York,” instead of “I Love New York.” Who knew they were so witty. Or that their kicker is prescient.
“Cleveland could hate me after next game,” he said after his Week 1 heroics, “so it doesn’t really mean anything.”
York missed the extra point after Cleveland scored to go up 30-17 against the Jets. A make and the score is 31-17. The Browns lost, 31-30.
Maybe The Loser should consider a career change to NFL kicker. My credentials:
- The Loser has been kicked out of his fair share of bars in the metropolitan area.
- The Loser is Friends with superb N.Y. Times reporter Bill Pennington, former Boston University kicker.
- The Loser believes you should never kick a team when it’s down, except for the Washington Commanders and its heinously misogynistic owner, Daniel Snyder.
Washington kicker Joey Slye missed an extra point that would have brought the Commanders to within one score in a 36-27 loss to the Lions. The loss is not on Slye but this is guilt by association: Snyder signs his direct deposit.
A few thoughts on what went wrong for The Loser in Week 2.
SAINTS +2.5 over Buccaneers: “That’s Tom Brady, what you want me to do?”
RAVENS -3.5 over Dolphins: Ravens (Ravens?!) blew a 21-point lead. Bird flu.
JAGUARS +4 over Colts: Is it possible Indy’s troubles go deeper than Carson Wretch? Nah.
BROWNS -6.5 over Jets: Deshaun Watson sent masseuses to the Browns locker room with 1:55 left.
Panthers +2 over GIANTS: “We’re close,” said Carolina coach Matt Ruhle. Yep, they were close to covering in a 19-16 defeat.
BENGALS -7 over Cowboys: Apparently Cooper is the name of some of the most successful players in the NFL.