The Loser understands the deciding line between the euphoria of winning and the agony of losing. But for The Loser, the pain of .500 is worse. It makes one irrelevant.
A loser can regale friends with amusing and relatable tales of bets gone wrong. There’s a player to blame, an official to rage at, a coach with his head so thoroughly up his ass you can see his nose protruding. This person should be invited to parties galore.
A winner can try to impress friends (and possibly dates) with bragging assertions on how it all went right. This annoying, obnoxious individual usually corners some poor soul in the corner, half-empty class in hand, trying to escape the beartrap clutches of Mr. Terrific.
He loudly boasts that casino bosses run when they see him coming. Hate those dudes and pray for their demise. You do, too. You know this guy.
The Loser woke up Tuesday morning as Mr. Irrelevant – .500 on the season through Week 6. .500 on Best Bets. Neither a winner nor or a loser. I’m the Lorna Doone of cookies. I’m a square, bland cookie on a plate of chocolate cover Oreos. Fig Newtons, now in a variety of fillings, have more pizazz.
The instant you inform someone you’re .500 on the season, you can just see their eyes gloss over. They’re nodding in the affirmative, but they’ve tuned you out. You’re the waitstaff at a wedding – serve, take away, refill the water glasses – black pants, white shirt, maroon vest.
The Loser is not surprised with his standing. Every year we hear rumblings about how unpredictable every NFL is, but 2022 is emerging as the Year of Betting Dangerously in the NFL..
Consider: The 49ers were 5.5-point favorites at the rebuilding 2-3 Falcons and got dusted, 28-14, moving Atlanta into a first-place tie with San Francisco, ahead of last season’s Super Bowl champion Rams. The New York Giants, the worst team in football over the last five seasons, are 5-1. Matt Ryan, 37, is second in the NFL in passing with 1,765 yards, ahead of 45-year-old Tom Brady, who’s sixth in the league.
Thanks to Arizona’s 42-34 win over the Saints Thursday night, The Loses, technically, is a winner today. Despite all the points, more than the combined 40 points scored in the last two Thursday Night Football games, the most entertaining part was watching Arizona QB Kyler Murray go ballistic on coach Kliff Kingsbury.
Kingsbury could attain Loser recognition by getting fired after a win with his team just one-half game out of first place. I feel you Kliff with a K, says Lenn with two NNs.
For now, however, The Loser remains employed, a feat unto its own, and will try to lift himself out of the animosity of Mr. Irrelevancy.
RAVENS +6.5 over Browns – The Loser picked the Ravens to win the AFC North, a somewhat daring move considering the AFC Champion Bengals and Browns (with Deshaun Watson) live in the same division. Baltimore is coming off an inexplicable 24-20 loss at the Giants, despite outgaining New York, 408-238. Yep, the Giants won a game while being outrushed 211—83. Good news: The Ravens defense seems to be on the uptick. I’ll take the Ravens and give the 6.5 crabs.
Buccaneers -13 over PANTHERS – Tom Brady is not retiring. The Panthers, however, are quitting, having just traded RB Christian McCaffrey and sticking with P.J. Walker at QB. How’s this for disappointing? Neither Giselle Bundchen or Olivia Culpo will be at the Ex-Model Bowl.
BENGALS -6.5 over Falcons – The Bengals three wins have been by a total of 31 points (10.3 per game). Falcons three losses have been by 10 points (3.3). That’s a 7-point difference, and as close as we usually get to analytics.
COWBOYS -7 over LIONS – Dak Prescott returns for America’s team. Jared Goff and Co. have a had a week off. But the QB’s won’t determine the outcome of this game. Dallas’s relentless defense will.
Giants +3 over JAGUARS – The Loser has not picked the Giants all season. Doing so with them on the road is risky. Just haven’t see anything out of the Jags to believe. Big believer in the Giants defense.
TITANS -2.5 over Colts – Great to see Matt Ryan thriving with the Colts. If there’s a classier man in the NFL, please step forward. The Titans are quietly on a three-game win streak and more importantly RB Derrick “Designated Hitter” Henry has posted back-to-back 100-yard rushing games.
Commanders +4.5 over PACKERS – – Ever since Aaron Rodgers showed up in Cameron Poe attire, it’s been Con Air in Green Bay. The receiving corps is decimated, and Rodgers has no faith in any eligible receiver other than Allan Lazard. QB Carson Wentz (finger) is out, which is addition by subtraction. Feisty QB Taylor Heinicke will give the Commanders a boost. Maybe this is a parting gift for Dan “Dirt Knows Dirt” Snyder.
JETS -1 over Broncos – Yes, not a misprint, the Jets are favored. And why not? The defense has been terrific. The running game has allowed Zach Wilson to limit his throws, and MetLife is going to green with Jets fans who still can’t believe they are not out of it by mid-October. QB Russell Wilson (hamstring) is injured. Denver’s most-trusted O-Lineman, Garett Bolles is on IR and RB Javonte Williams is done for the season. Surprised the Jets are giving more points. Still disbelievers out there.
RAIDERS -7 at Texans – Taking Maxxx Cosby. Not the Raiders. Maxxx Cosby.
Seahawks +5 over CHARGERS – Really taking Pete Carroll over Brandon Staley, who’s on-the-job training as an NFL coach Has left his own players wondering how he is supposed to put them in their best chance to succeed.
49ERS -2 over Chiefs – RB Christian McCaffrey to the rescue? Maybe. We’ve been saying since the day the Chiefs traded away Tyreek Hill that there would be games in which not having the Cheetah would cost KC. This is one. Plus, love the crowd at Levi’s Stadium almost as much as I love my Levi’s 511s. Nothing comes between me and my Levi’s.
DOLPHINS -7 over Steelers – All eyes on Tua. A subdued prayer every time he gets hit.
PATRIOTS -7.5 over Bears – Bill Belichick will absolutely torment Bears QB Justin Fields. The real drama – who lines up behind center? Are we seeing the second coming of Drew Bledsoe-Tom Brady in Mac Jones-Bailey Zappe? Ah the Evil Empire goes soap on is again.
Home team in CAPS.
Last week: 5-9; +Best bets: 2-1
Overall: 47-47-2; +Best bets: 9-9