It’s movie week in the NFL. Which flicks to see.
FULL BODY MASSAGE
Deshaun “Who Needs a Towel?” Watson is hoping his season debut is a climax. The new Cleveland (4-7) quarterback faces his old Houston (1-9-1) team, in his first game back after serving an 11-game suspension for alleged sexual assault and/or misconduct of some 24 masseuses.
Can Watson lead the Browns on a late charge into playoff contention? We know Texans fans will boo the daylights out of Watson, but The Loser is looking for the creative Houston fan. Perhaps a sign? “No Happy Endings Here!” “Massage Me!” “Rub This!”
CON AIR
The Loser would love to take in part of that Packers at Bears game to see if Aaron Rodgers shows up dressed like Cameron Poe and if he dresses but doesn’t play. Rodgers, suddenly Mr. Franchise, is open to the idea of being benched in favor of Jordan Love.
Rodgers, who might recall, signed a three-year, $150 million extension in March, with $101 million guaranteed. Watson got a $230 million guaranteed deal from Cleveland, which comes in handy when you’ve reportedly agreed settlements in 23 of his civil cases. Get the feeling the NFL is a cargo-plane full of miscreants.
GLADIATOR
The Loser is a big fan of the movie “Gladiator” and expects to be wildly entertained by the death and carnage a pissed off Ravens team will inflict on the Broncos. Unless, of course, the Broncos locker room turns into The Colosseum and QB Russell Wilson sees his teammates holding their thumbs down.
Denver fans have been calling for first-year coach Nathaniel Hackett’s head after he opted for a 64-yard field goal attempt in the season opener that failed. The Broncos lost 17-16 in Seattle and have in a freefall ever since. Fully expect Lamar Jackson to win the crowd.
Steelers -1 over FALCONS – Welcome to Club Parity. The Steelers (4-7) and Falcons (5-7) remain in playoff contention. In fact, an Atlanta win coupled with a Tampa Bay loss and the Falcons are in first place in the NFC South. That ain’t right.
+RAVENS -9.5 over Broncos – After a shocking 28-27 upset loss at Jacksonville last week, Lamar Jackson went scorched earth on Twitter with this beautiful soliloquy directed at a fan. “Boy STFU y’all be cappin too much on this app mf never smelt a football field never did s— but eat d— !!” That more or less translates into big bounce back game from one of the NFL’s great orators and better QBs. We built this parlay at BetMGM – Ravens (-9.5) plus TE Mark Andrews catches a touchdown plus Jackson rushing for more than 54.5 yards. We wagered $20 at +360 odds which carries a $92 payout for a $72 net.
BEARS +3 over Packers– In Con Air, Poe politely asks one of the bad guys to put his daughter’s little pink bunny back in the box. Which more or less describes the state of the Packers who have lost two straight and 7-of-8. Time to put the 2022 season in a box and Packer it away.
LIONS -1 over Jaguars – After snapping an 18-game road losing streak earlier this season, the Jags have started a new streak – three straight road losses. We’re taking the Lions, giving one, and rookie Aidan Hutchinson to post one sack (Jags QB Trevor Lawrence has been sacked nine times in the last two games) and Amon-Ra St. Brown posting more than 70.5 yards receiving.
Browns -7 over TEXANS – Any chance NFL consigliere, uh, commissioner, Roger Goodell is at the game to discuss how well the league’s personal conduct code worked? Didn’t think so.
VIKINGS -3 over Jets – Justin Jefferson vs Sauce Gardner. Sorry NFL RedZone. The Loser wants picture in picture with one camera dedicated solely to this matchup.
GIANTS +2.5 over Commanders – Game within the game. Which QB has the most yards rushing? Not a believer in either team.
EAGLES -4.5 over Titans – Just can’t see the Titans offense keeping up. Can see an Eagles-Chiefs Super Bowl for entertainment value.
+SEAHAWKS -7 over Rams – The Seahawks have a big problem, and it isn’t at QB. They gave up 283 yards rushing last week in a 40-34 loss to the Raiders. They gave up 235 yards rushing to the Saints earlier this season. Good thing the Rams can’t run the ball.
+49ERS -4 over Dolphins – The most intriguing matchup of the weekend. On the surface it’s the immovable object (SF defense) taking on the irresistible force (Miami offense). Fish have won five straight, but those wins are against the Steelers (4-7), Lions (4-7), Bears (3-9), Browns (4-7) and Texans (1-9-1).
BENGALS +2 over Chiefs – Only if Ja’Marr Chase is a go.
RAIDERS -1 over Chargers – Chargers (6-5) don’t have a win over a team with a winning record. Raiders (4-7), as has been the case for the last decade, are as unpredictable as a slot machine.
COWBOYS -10.5 over Colts – The Loser wavered on this one. Dallas allowed the Giants to score a late TD last week for the dreaded backdoor cover. But the Jeff Saturday coaching magic expired after one game.
BUCCANEERS -3.5 over Saints – Let’s not overthink. Tom Brady vs Andy Dalton. Cue Ricky Gervais.
HOME team in CAPS
Last Week: 9-7; Best Bets: 1-2
Overall: 88-77-4; +Best bets: 19-14