The best and worst of Lenny the Loser’s NFL predictions – halfway through the season:
Denver Broncos to win the AFC West – Is this because Ciara did a spread for the S.I. Swimsuit Issue, which claimed to “Be the Change You Want to See,” yet put Kim Kardashian, who’s idea of change is a visit to a plastic surgeon, on the cover?
Saints win the NFC South – what was I thinking? New head coach and no franchise quarterback. At 3-6 the Saints, remarkably still in it. Tampa is 4-5. But the Saints need Giselle Bundchen’s holistic sage burner to work some serious magic to get this team turned around.
Eagles win the NFC East – No, they won’t go undefeated. They won’t even win the NFC title. But they will win the East.
49ers to win the NFC West – When the Rams failed to keep their O-Line intact, it guaranteed there would be no back-to-back Super Bowl champs for the first time since the 2003-04 Patriots.
Titans not to make the playoffs – Got swayed by many experts’ picks. Forgot how good a coach Mike Vrabel is – and how bad the AFC South is. Titans are in first place with a -9 point differential.
Jets (6-3) and Giants (6-2) to combine for less 8.5 wins – What makes the 12 wins so impressive is that neither team is sure it has its franchise QB.
Now on to the picks:
Bucs -2 over Seahawks in Munich – Oktoberfest in November! When Northwestern played Nebraska in Scotland earlier this season, the tills – as they refer to the cash drawers – went down. Never to disappoint fans, the beer was free. We’ll take the Bucs and free beer any day of the week. Well, at least the free beer.
Vikings +3 over BILLS – The last time Josh Allen missed a game was his rookie season of 2018 when he was dealing with a UCL elbow injury. Buffalo got spanked 37-5 at the Colts. Allen has another UCL elbow injury. His status is hour to hour, which sounds like a patient with a serious heart condition.
BEARS -2.5 over Lions – If the Bears lose, and the Packers lose to the Cowboys, there could be a three-way tie for second – and last – place in the NFC North at 3-7. Justin Fields should be getting a Fields Good Chicken deal with the way he’s playing.
+TITANS -2.5 over Broncos – Derrick Henry and Lamar Jackson are the two most unstoppable offensive forces in the NFL. Micah Parsons owns that honor on defense.
CHIEFS -9.5 over Jaguars – Prediction: Trevor Lawrence asks Patrick Mahomes for his autograph at halftime. The Chiefs will already have covered, and Roger Goodell can issue a banal statement on player decorum, something he hasn’t done with any owner. BTW, we bet this is the first time you read a football pick that contained the words banal and decorum.
+DOLPHINS -3.5 over Browns – QB Jacoby Brissett was 2-3 as a starter for the Dolphins last year with a 62.7 completion percentage, five TDs and four picks. This year he’s 3-5 as the Browns starter with a 62.9 completion percentage, seven touchdowns and four picks. With this empirical evidence we are taking the Dolphins giving the points and Brissett to thrown on interception.
GIANTS -4.5 over Texans – The Texans (1-6-1) haven’t scored more than 24 points in a game this season and are averaging 15.6 points in their current three-game losing streak. You want analytics? You got it.
STEELERS +1 over Saints – How did this escape being the UnPrime Thursday Night Game? Oh right, we had Panthers/Falcons as the Insomniac Special. Anyway, you know how Ricky Gervais feels about Ginger Heads, right? Sorry, Andy Dalton.
RAIDERS -4.5 over Colts – Colts fans ask, “Why not us for Thursday night? We just fired our coach and replaced him with a guy who had a 20-16 record as a high school coach at Hebron Christian Academy.” Raiders fans respond, “We just cut another first-round pick in S Johnathan Abram. We’re all kinds of screwed up.”
Cowboys -4.5 over PACKERS – Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers said after last week’s loss to the Detroit Lions that the Packers probably will be underdogs the rest of the season. Rodgers proves again to be the smartest man in any room not named Kyrie Irving.
RAMS -3 over Cardinals – Even if Matt Stafford doesn’t play. We’re adding a weekly Kliff Kingsbury-Kyler Murray spat to every Arizona wager. Who would have thought Frank Reich we get fired before Kingsbury?
+49ERS -7.5 over Chargers – San Francisco had to rent a bus to ferry all the previously injury players who have been cleared to play in this Sunday night feature. We are combing a San Fran cover with a Christian McCaffrey to Deebo Samuel touchdown pass.
EAGLES -11 over Commanders – Sources tell The Loser that Washington will post security guards outside the owner’s suite to ensure Dan Snyder isn’t served any subpoenas by law enforcement officials. However, Jim Irsay isn’t accounted for, and gleefully hands Snyder the envelope.
Home team in CAPS.
Last week: 8-7; +Best bets: 2-1
Overall: 64-59-2; +Best bets: 14-10