The Loser’s Canarsie neighborhood in Brooklyn was rumored to have had a heavy mob presence. Rumors, you say. Well, the neighborhood was kept safe, and nobody saw nuttin.
So, when we hear mafia accusations cast about by men of dubious character, The Loser reserves judgement.
According to a recent report, NFL owners are about to turn on each other like strippers at Tony Soprano’s Bada-Bing gentlemen’s club at last call.
The Loser’s favorite part of the report is this exchange:
“The NFL is a mafia,” Commanders owner Dan Snyder reportedly told an associate “All the owners hate each other.”
“That’s not true,” responded one owner. “All the owners hate Dan.”
As far as The Loser knows, the only loud and proud mafia in the NFL is based in Buffalo, where turf wars over chicken wings are ruthless and cutthroat.
But let’s just go with this salacious notion that NFL owners are all members of La Cosa Nostra. A study of NFL owners reveals that Snyder might not be wrong.
Call it the Not-Fu ’Nothing-League.
BEARS Pick’Em over Commanders – Snyder, aka the hotheaded Sonny Corleone, made Bears owner Virginia McCaskey an offer she couldn’t refuse. Anyone who purchased Prime to watch the Thursday night games has got to feel like they’re paying a kickback.
49ers -5.5 over FALCONS – Niners owner Denise York’s father, Eddie DeBartolo bought the team for $13 million in 1977. The franchise now is worth $5.2 billion according to Forbes. That’s a lot of olive oil.
Falcons coach Arthur Smith has impressed us with his ability to make lemonade out of lemons with his offense. But this is a mismatch.
BROWNS -2.5 over Patriots – Cleveland owner Jimmy Haslam and his wife Dee made their money in gas and oil, owning the Pilot Flying J truck stop chain, where merchandise is always falling off the back of trucks.
New England owner Bob Kraft made his money in paper, packaging, and real estate development before a brief foray into the lucrative massage parlor sector, but this venture didn’t result in a happy ending.
+ PACKERS -7.5 over Jets – The good people of Green Bay own the Packers, making it the largest mob family in America. The Jets are owned by the Johnson family, who ignited a mob war by dabbling in the drug trade, a market Don Corleone opposed.
COLTS -2.5 over Jaguars – Colts owner Jim Irsay almost lost control of the family when he was arrested under suspicion of DUI and drug possession. Jaguars owner Shahid Khan has ties to the automotive industry.
Jags QB Trevor Lawrence seemed to be on the right track under Doug Pederson’s coaching staff, but he took a major step backwards last week. The Colts defense will make Lawrence sleep with the fish.
DOLPHINS +3 over Vikings – Fined $1.5 million for tampering with Bucs QB Tom Brady and former Saints coach Sean Payton, Stephen Ross should be one of the first witnesses Snyder calls to the stand. Ross tried to shaft his fellow owners, but that can be forgiven in the criminal underground. The worst label any mobster can be slapped with is “rat.” We see Ross pleading the fifth.
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf is the Mickey Cohen in our NFL Fantasy Mob Owners game. Cohen was instrumental in building Las Vegas. Wilf made his fortune as a real estate developer and in 2013, he and his brother were found liable for breaking civil state racketeering laws. The judge went as far as to note that the brothers used organize crime-like tactics. Maybe Snyder is right about his fellow owners.
SAINTS +1.5 over Bengals – Loyalty is essential in the mob, a concept not lost on Bengals owner Mike Brown, who in 2002 instituted a “loyalty clause.” The clause allows the Bengals to deny various bonuses to players depending on the remarks they make about the Bengals.
New Orleans is the first city in the United States where the Mafia formed into an organized crime syndicate. You won’t hear the Mannings joking about that.
This is our Mafia Prime Time Game. It’s also our last week believing the Saints, not the Bucs, will win the NFC South. Time for them to leave the guns, take the cannoli’s and keep pace with Tampa Bay.
RAVENS -5.5 over Giants – Timothy Mara, the patriarch of the family, reportedly used his paper rout as a teenager to run bets for bookies. When anti-gambling laws shut down New York horse racing, Mara, working of a hotel suite, took bets on horse races in other states. He had more than enough money for the $500 needed to purchase the NFL franchise for New York.
Unless the Maras can get to the officials, the Ravens defense is going batter QB Daniel Jones and Lamar Jackson will baffle Big Blue’s defense.
Bucs -8.5 over STEELERS – Rumor has it that patriarch Art Rooney won a racetrack parlay for $2,500 that he used to pay the franchise fee for a team in Pittsburgh.
Have the Steelers really fallen this far from grace? QB Kenny Pickett is going to take his lumps and make his mistakes, but he’s the future. In the present, the Steelers defense is decimated. Tom Brady is $11,000 poorer for kicking Falcons DE Grady Jarrett. This is known as pocket change in Tony Sopranos world.
RAMS -10 over Panthers – Rams owner Stan Kroenke would be a worthy captain in any crime family. He already stabbed the city of St. Louis in the back by moving the Rams to California.
Usually when a team fires a coach, it lights a spark under the players. But PJ Walker will likely start at QB, on the road, against a very good defense.
+ SEAHAWKS +2.5 over Cardinals – Washington Attorney General Bob Ferguson announced this year the creation of a statewide Organized Retail Crime Theft Task Force. If Eliot Ness breaks open a crate on the Seattle docks, will it contain umbrellas? Arizona coach Kliff Kingsbury is hardly Untouchable.
Look for Seattle RB Kenneth Walker III to exceed 79.5 yards rushing and the Seahawks to cover. We built that parlay at BetMGM and put $50 with +300 odds. The payout is $200, which will net The Loser $150.
Bills -2.5 over CHIEFS –Bills Mafia. Fuhgeddaboudit.
+ EAGLES -6.5 over Cowboys – Jerry Jones has played the role of consiglieri to Snyder, but he reportedly is thinking of joining another family. Before his oil and gas exploration business hit it big, Jones borrowed money from Jimmy Hoffa’s Teamsters union. The last time we heard of Hoffa’s whereabouts he was buried somewhere in the New Jersey Meadowlands.
Cooper Rush has been a great story, but this is business, not personal. Eagles in a rout.
CHARGERS -4.5 over Broncos – Like Michael and Fredo Corleone, Dea Spanos Berberian and her brother, Dean Spanos, who is the controlling owner of the Chargers, are trying to kill off each other. Dea says Dean is a misogynist and is guilty of self-dealing and repeated breaches of fiduciary duty.
Then there’s the matter of Brandon Staley’s coaching decisions, which has foot solider Keenan Allen wondering who’s in charge. The Broncos offense has been pathetic.
Home team in CAPS.
Last week: 8-8; +Best bets: 0-3
Overall: 42-38-2; +Best bets: 7-8